this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
