Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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