DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
