just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
