Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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