Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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