community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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