Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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