He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
