Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Randomize
