I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
