My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
