good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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