I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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