we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
