yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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