My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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