I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
