i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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