My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
