I haven't been this sober since birth.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
