SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
