my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
