I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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