You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
