I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
