Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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