The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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