I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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