don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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