i just wanna soil my oats bro
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Four minutes until I can fart!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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