Cold hands, warm shart.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
