we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
