If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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