For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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