hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
