this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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