just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
