So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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