can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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