break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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