meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
