I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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