This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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