also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
