Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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