got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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