you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
