i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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