I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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