She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
